— Paul Eide (@EidePaul) October 23, 2015
“I find guys fascinating. I learn more about your kind every day,” said April Rose, over a huge piece of steak accompanied by an equally outlandishly sized baked potato — both of which were only to be outdone later when the cake arrived. We’re sitting at Chicago restaurant staple Gibson’s Steakhouse, and Rose is teaching me about dating and sex.
“On the first date, there are certain things you just shouldn’t do. Like, you cannot talk about your ex or be on your phone. You can’t post a pic of your first date — that’s creepy. Also, you can’t turn your phone upside down and set it on the table or it looks like you’re hiding something.”
In addition to her duties as Loop Rock Girl for Chicago classic rock station 97.9 The Loop, and as the host of the April Rose Files for Playboy, during the football season the easy-on-the-eyes model hosts the Bears pregame show Chicago Huddle on Comcast SportsNet.
But her knowledge isn’t limited to music and sports.
“Guys like to stick their tongue in your ear. It’s weird, it’s loud, and it’s wet!” She said, when I asked her the absolute worst thing a guy can do during foreplay.
“Like, what’s the first thing you do when you get water in your ear? You just want to nod your head to the side and get it out! It’s really annoying and you won’t function until that water is out of your ear. Ear canal is off limits.”
Our conversation was peppered with football euphemisms about the games played between males and females.
“You’re doing some things right on the offensive side of the ball if you can get there, so why screw it up on the one-yard line? If you’re inside the ear, consider it a fumble, an interception, a turnover.”
Always a game of inches, it’s a fine line between hero and goat.
“Lower third ear lobe/nape of neck area equals good zone. An inch or so up, inside the ear canal with a wet tongue? Bad zone.”
Aside from deep inner ear tonguing, what other major mistakes can a guy make during foreplay?
“Sucking fingers. It’s weird because it’s not the same to me. Because I don’t have your ‘equipment,’ it doesn’t give me that feeling — that sensation — that guys get. And that brings me to my next point: If a guy has long dirty fingernails, UGH. That’s the worst thing you can do. I don’t want you touching me with your botulism-laced fingernails, all up in my lady bits.”
Speaking of taking care of yourself, kick back and pull up April’s performance as a Russian dance instructor in Grown Ups 2, one of the greatest moments ever recorded in modern cinema. It’s one of the best ways you can do to improve your day immediately.
“The hardest part of that scene was dancing for the guys. They were all lined up at the back of the gym — Shaq, Nick Swardson, Chris Rock, David Spade, Peter Dante — and they needed to film a reaction to me dancing. So, I had to dance just for them — I kind of felt like a stripper a little bit ‘cause I’m trying to dance to get a response and they wanted it to be real! So, I danced for 45 minutes which is a really long time when you’re really getting into it. That was a big task to do!”
If being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking was the only thing April Rose had going for her, she’d be typecast as just another hot babe. But she’s smart, ambitious and knows what it takes to make it in Hollywood.
“There’s no group of executives sitting around saying, ‘What can we do to get April Rose back on TV?’ You have to get in there and pitch yourself to them with good ideas and prove yourself to these companies, to these people. Over and over.
“[During interviews] I’m confident talking, going one-on-one with guys, sizing them up, seeing what I can get out of them. I get that emotion that a male announcer couldn’t get because it would be weird to ask the questions that I can. But I’m also not going to break down an offensive line play, either. I don’t want to do it and guys don’t want to hear me do it.
It’s not just hard work that has gotten April Rose this far though. Perseverance is paramount (yes, even someone as beautiful as April Rose knows the pangs of rejection).
“I feel like you try 20 things and you get rejected 19 times. But that 20th thing gets you farther. It’s like playing golf: You might be really bad on 17 holes but that one hole that you hit a good shot, you are in the game and that is all you talk about. That is totally what this industry is about. You have that one great job, then you get stomped on by all the others. But that one great job keeps you going.”
One last piece of advice?
“Chemistry is the most important [thing in a relationship]. Women are not as concerned about how attractive a guy is compared to the emotional chemistry. That’s why you see a lot of really attractive women with interesting looking guys.”
“It’s the chemistry and the confidence that we are attracted to. An emotional attraction can make a guy more attractive than he is. It’s less physical — we’re not superficial like you guys! We don’t need that exterior, we need the emotional connection. Stability. Confidence. To feel like we’re being taken care of is the most attractive thing about a guy. That, and how tall he is!